I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
