So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
