omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
