Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
