I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
