I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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