I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
