its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
