Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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