he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
