For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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