My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
