I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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