You smell like a Billy Joel song
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
