How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
