Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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