We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
