Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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