she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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