I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
