is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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