Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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