I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
