It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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