I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Randomize
