Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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