Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
