Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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