I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
