It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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