Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
