btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
