my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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