I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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