singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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