My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
