He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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