I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
