yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My cat gives me a boner
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
