Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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