He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
