Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
