So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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