Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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