I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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