I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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