The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
