I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
