He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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