but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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